Tips for Supporting Family Members with Cancer

A cancer diagnosis is an emotional roller coaster not only for the affected person but also for their friends and family. Studies have found that emotional support during a person’s cancer journey can make a big difference. But oftentimes, friends and family members don’t know how to offer support to someone with cancer. This article will give you some tips and practical ideas on how to be a good support team for a person with cancer.

What do you say to a family member battling cancer?

When talking with a person who has cancer, it is more important to listen than to talk. Many people with a cancer diagnosis feel overwhelmed and want to voice their feelings. Don’t judge a person, offer unsolicited advice, or try to change the way they act or feel. Let them know you're available to listen if and when they want to talk.

Remember that people battling cancer often feel helpless. The fear and uncertainty of the situation can make them angry, withdrawn, depressed, or “not themselves.” This is a normal grieving process for the things that are lost to cancer, such as energy, health, and time with loved ones. Don’t be hurt. Also, resist the temptation to discuss your own feelings. Instead, listen consciously to your family member or friend’s feelings. This is one of the most significant contributions you can make as a member of their support network.

It usually takes people with cancer some time to adjust to the new reality. Be patient and don’t force a conversation. If you don’t know what to say to a person living with cancer, consider getting help from a support group, social worker, or mental health professional.

What do cancer patients want to hear?

Cancer-supporting family and friends often feel awkward. It is difficult to know what a cancer patient wants to hear. Remember, coping with cancer is difficult. Cancer treatments can leave a person feeling exhausted and unable to do regular activities. Yet many people with cancer decline help when asked a broad question such as “What can I do for you?” Instead, it is more helpful if you offer to do specific tasks for a loved one, such as:

Do you want me to accompany you to the hospital or doctor’s appointments?
Do you need help researching medical oncology, cancer information, or treatment options?
Can I cook dinner for you tonight?
Can I bring you some library books?

How to offer emotional support to a family member undergoing cancer treatment?

Try to keep things as normal as possible

Spouses and other family members have a tendency to do things for someone with cancer. This is because you feel helpless and doing something seems like a good way to make yourself useful. But many people living with cancer just want to be normal and do the things they did before their cancer diagnosis. It’s a way to cope. Otherwise, it starts to feel like cancer is taking over their life. So, you should avoid talking about the disease all the time. Don’t forget to laugh, express hope, and talk about the future. And don’t feel guilty if a person with cancer is doing chores around the house, taking care of the children, etc.

Learn about cancer

There is a lot of helpful and detailed information available online about cancer diagnoses, treatments, and side effects from the American Cancer Society and other reputable organizations. Educate yourself about a loved one’s cancer so that you can provide useful information to them.

Offer advice only when asked

As mentioned above, family and friends can help someone living with cancer by researching information about the diagnosis, treatment options, and clinical trials. While this is helpful, you should avoid giving advice or trying to influence their decision about what to do. Just let them know what you’ve found, offer to do more research if they want, and support their decisions.

Listen more than you talk

A person facing a life-threatening diagnosis can feel like they’re on an emotional roller coaster. It’s important to listen patiently and allow the person to share their innermost feelings without fear of being judged.

Remember caregivers need a break

The primary caregiver for a person with cancer is usually someone from the inner circle, such as a spouse, partner, parent, sibling, friend, or adult child. The caregiver performs tasks such as driving the person to medical appointments and providing physical care and emotional support at home. Many caregivers are forced to take on additional chores or do things that were formerly done by the person diagnosed with cancer. All this can leave caregivers feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. You can be helpful by offering to give the caregiver a respite day, for example, to get enough sleep, while you care for the person.

Avoid commenting on the person’s appearance

Cancer and cancer treatments can leave a person looking very different due to fatigue, hair loss, and weight loss. Instead of commenting on their appearance, simply say something like “It’s great to see you” when you meet.

Stay connected

Oftentimes, friends and family get caught up in their busy lives and forget to stay in touch after the enormity of the initial diagnosis has sunk in. However, a person’s cancer journey can last for many months or even years. Don’t forget to check in regularly with a person battling cancer, either in person, on the phone, or by video call. This can mean a lot to them and can help them keep a positive outlook on life. Return messages right away, keep the conversations short, and call at a time that’s convenient for them. If you’re visiting, consider bringing a snack to share. Visit on weekdays if possible, avoiding weekends and holidays when many others might visit. Offer to watch TV, read, do crossword puzzles, or take a short walk together if they’re up to it.

Be there even when treatment is over

Once cancer treatment is over and the person no longer has medical appointments, they start to process everything they have gone through. Remember that while the person may not need help getting through the treatment or its side effects, they still need your emotional support.

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